Well...though I gave it a go, we decided that the best place for me was at home.
Being back to work was good for the extra money, and the adult conversation wasn't all that bad either. My days began at 5:30 in the morning so that I could get myself to work by 7:00. I was lucky enough to be able to take Friday's off if it wasn't overly busy, however I would try to put in as much time as I could during the other four days in order to keep up with the workflow, and at times I would work through lunch. As guilt often happens to women, even though I ended up putting in possibly more time than I normally would on a regular work week, I felt guilty for not being there on the Friday and didn't thoroughly enjoy my day off anyway. The boss approved 'Friday off' wasn't as good as it might sound.
Throughout the week I was so tired! In every way the word tired could be applied. Actually both my better half and I were exhausted. He would schedule his shifts around the baby, sometimes coming home at 3:00 am and waking at 7:30 am with the kids. He would pray the baby would have a nice long nap during the day to catch up on sleep, but sometimes the prayers were not answered and he would go to work with minimal sleep from the day before. The work schedules would allow us to only see each other on Sundays, Wednesday nights, and in the evenings on Friday and Saturday. In those short times together, we were both irritable and arguments about the simplest things would occur. The house was always a mess and I am not the kind of person who can relax in a messy home. Though I know it's really not a big deal in the big scheme of things, it would drive me crazy!
Life became unorganized chaos. My daughter decided not to take sandwiches for lunch anymore - it was two weeks before we noticed. At one point I lost my son at a birthday party. I corresponded to the parent through email prior to the party, I dropped my son off at the paintball location the day of but from there they had a sleep over at their home. The next day, I had no idea where the invite was and had no clue as to where to pick up my son! I frantically emailed, but no reply. My daughter called all her friends who had older brothers in hoping that they had this boy's phone number. No luck. It was a half hour past the pickup time when my son finally called. I felt horrible! I can only imagine what the parents were thinking.
Baking came to a complete halt, which I missed. I didn't really go out with friends, as I was either tired or busy. I didn't return emails. I didn't blog. If I had spare time, it wasn't truly spare time, as I had to clean or organize something that was overflowing, or better yet, enjoy some time with the kids - which was hard to do because I knew there was something I should be cleaning. Do you see the vicious circle here? I became an irritable shell of my former self. I know there is a big adjustment when a baby is brought into the family, but it seemed that all I was about anymore was working and taking care of the home. That's it. All the things that made me,
me, were gone.
My better half had asked me few times to consider if I should be working or staying home. I didn't think it was an option really, we have a big family and bills need to be paid. My job was also part of my makeup. I was always proud to tell people where I worked and what I did. I have always had a job and it gave me security. However, I knew something had to change, and I had to consider leaving it.
It was over the holidays that I got to take a bit of a break and really look it over. I have always been good with money, or should I say, making the money stretch. I was a working single parent with very little help to three kids, and we did just fine. The budget was tight, but we had everything we needed. Just like it will be now, we have everything we need covered and we will be fine. After looking at the budget more, it would seem that we spent what we had, and usually on 'stuff' that we didn't really need, just wanted. Our home isn't huge, but if it was, we would also have a huge mortgage. That turned out to be to our benefit. We were able to pay off all the Christmas debt with my last paychecks and begin with a clean slate.
So with a budget made, I decided to quit my job. When I first gave notice, I was still uneasy about the whole thing, not really sure if it was the best decision. I got mixed reviews from coworkers, most were happy for me, some quite grumpy. One working mom coworker said to me with sincerity 'Congratulations on making a hard decision that is for the better of your family'. I wanted to hug her!
And so here we are. I have been home for only a week and the tension is gone from my shoulders. I clean up dinner dishes without the panic that I only have 'X' number of hours to get things done before bed. I am sorting through the basement storage, my better half even made me a huge shelving unit. I have cleaned out closets, organized drawers, vacuumed every single time I saw a dog hair, I make hot chocolate for the kids when they get home from school, I cook dinners - good ones, I clip coupons like nobody's business, and I feel like I can finally relax a little. 'exhale and smile'
My most favorite part of the week - when my baby needs a nap. Not because she is sleeping, but the routine we have when she goes to bed. I will sit in the rocking chair in her room, pass her a fuzzy blanket and with that in one hand, a thumb in her mouth from the other, she snuggles into my chest and falls asleep. It is that exact moment that I know without a doubt - I am where I should be.
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